The Hummer

By: Marjie Martini

This evening was all about drinking, because it was the conclusion to a great day of rednecking with the boys. Boys and toys! We all know that one of the differences between men and boys is the price of their toys. The great thing about aging is that the toys get more expensive, but they are also a hell of lot more fun. With age, the cocktails also get classier and they definitely taste better.

The toy of choice was my buddy’s brand new H2 Hummer and the cocktail of choice was, of course, the Hummer martini. Just like the SUV slogan, both of the Hummers are "Like nothing else!" There are three consistent things in a man’s world: one is the desire to redneck, two is the desire to get laid and the third is the desire for a really good martini. It was this third desire that inspired the consumption of the Hummer martini. This martini is a mixture of Vodka, Grand Marnier and Tequila, with a splash of lime cordial. This combination gives you a martini that has a mean and nasty edge but finishes off sweet and pleasurable.

There is something about a really tough and nasty truck that gets every man’s testosterone level raging! Men can sit and discuss the details of a tough truck for hours. Not unlike women who discuss a great shoe sale, or the latest hairstyle that they just got. The Hummer has the stereotype of being the "Pavement princess" the excessive and expensive SUV that never gets dirty. Unfortunately, this stereotype is true; we razzed my buddy big time for buying the Hummer. The jokes were endless. Was he ever going to get it dirty? What happened if something got spilled inside? Was the truck an extension for what was lacking in his pants? But even though he was the butt of all the jokes, he already had bought it. This day of rednecking was his way of proving to all of us exactly why he had purchased the Hummer.

When the boys go rednecking they drink, and drink a lot. I was brought along for the simple purpose of being entertaining eye candy and for my ability to make a great Hummer martini. Beer would have been a lot easier, but not nearly as classy. The dirtier the Hummer got, the more I worked the shaker. Upon returning to civilization, the boys were very impressed by what the Hummer could do and the fact that it was both dirty and scratched. With martinis being poured inside and the H2 parked and dirty in the driveway, the conversation about "Hummers" moved from the vehicle to the other "Hummer."

The Hummer is not just a Hummer

it can mean a blowjob or a blowie - it can refer to oral sex or giving head. The best phrase was from my buddy, who referred to his girlfriend’s time of the month as "Hummer season." The boys laughed hysterically at that one. Why is it that when a woman has her time of the month, the expectation is that the man should get a Hummer? When I asked my buddy what time of the month was Muff Diving season, he seemed perplexed! But what did I expect? After all, he is a redneck. It was interesting to listen to how much a man loves a Hummer, and it was also interesting to hear how few women they had encountered that actually seemed to enjoy providing this pleasure.

The key ingredients to a great Hummer (all women pay attention) seemed to be the right combination of pressure, suction and lubrication. But the most important component was the rhythm. I could not believe I was having this conversation with a room full of straight men; I have had this conversation before, but only with my gay friends. So this was a completely different perspective. The most fascinating part of this conversation was that they all agreed that the most exciting part of a Hummer was when a woman swallowed. The swallow was dirty and nasty, but it was also the most exciting. To a man it was like having the biggest ego stroke ever. What was also interesting was that women rarely swallowed. When I surveyed the room, most men stated that only about 20% of the women they had been intimate with had actually swallowed. I was shocked, speechless actually. Why do women not get this? If a woman expects to receive pleasure from a man, she must also learn to give pleasure. And shouldn’t pleasuring your partner be enjoyable? Why do women despise the Hummer so much? The big question is, why do women use it as leverage to get what they want? Or, why do women use it as a way of getting out of having sex? If the Hummer is something that brings men such pleasure, why is it that women consider it dirty and degrading? Something that brings your partner such pleasure should never be used as a way to control them, and it should never be rationed out like a treat if they have been good. If a woman gives a man a Hummer with the intention of providing her partner with the ultimate pleasure, then this action should never be considered submissive or degrading. It should be thought of as an act of beauty. It goes without saying though that women, if they so desire, deserve the same consideration from their partner.

Conclusion

The Hummer H2 is a vehicle that is excessive and outrageous. The Hummer martini is exactly the same. This martini has a nasty and exciting edge that comes from the Vodka and Tequila, but the sweetness of the Grand Marnier and lime gives you a finish that is nothing but sheer enjoyment. Satisfying your partner is one of the greatest gifts that a person can give. Both men and women should take pride in being able to give their partners ultimate pleasure. When a woman can give a Hummer and satisfy her man with such an amazing ego stroke, she will learn that it is never dirty. It is just like the H2; hummers are never dirty, they are all a thing of beauty. The Hummer martini is truly "Like nothing else."

Intuitive Thoughts By Marjie Martini

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