The Mother In Law Martini

By: Marjie Martini

What are the terms of marriage? Besides the standard vows and token “I love you’s”, where does it stipulate in the marriage contract that you inherit another mother? This is an issue that has been going on for years and has never been addressed. Why does the phrase “in-law” strike fear in most married couples? Well I have found a cure for the stress caused by in-laws. Drink a lot of the Mother in Law martini. This wonderful cocktail will cause you to just sit back and smile, after a few of these martinis any in law aggravation will just disappear.

There have been many times that I have seen my girlfriends in a state of desperation, when the only cure is a strong martini. A few weeks ago the desperation hit a new high. I received a 911 phone call from the Arizona airport. My girlfriend was on her way home. She was dying for a martini and some serious girl time. I knew that she had just spent the past week with her mother in law and agreed to meet her later that evening. After I hung up the phone I immediately went into 911 martini mode. The emergency calls went out to the girls; drop everything, meet for tinis at 8pm, our girlfriend is having a meltdown.

True to form we all rendezvoused at our cozy martini and tapas bar. When my girlfriend walked in, I was stunned. The woman who normally is extremely well put together looked frazzled. Her hair was tattered and she had dark circles under her eyes. She certainly did not look rested and refreshed from a week in the sun. She gave us all huge hugs and stated “I am so glad to see you guys”. She then flagged the server and boldly ordered the Mother in Law martini! What is that? The server replied. That is when my girlfriend explained exactly how she wanted our gin martinis. She gave the following instructions: Gin and vermouth chilled with ice. Then prepare a chilled martini glass with 2 ice cubes in the bottom add a lemon spiral and 2 olives. STIR the gin and vermouth and then pour into the glass. The poor server ran away in fear of her life if she messed up this order. I have learned one thing about martinis and women.

“You never, never mess with a stressed out woman who needs a martini and needs it NOW!”

We all sat silently until the martinis arrived, after a few long pulls on the martini glass my girlfriend started to speak, then she started to cry. We all listened intently to our friend’s sobs of the week from hell that consisted of an opinionated mother in law and being trapped in a trailer park. The moment she mentioned a trailer park I knew that this was going to be a good story. Now you have to understand the history of my girlfriend, she definitely likes the finer things in life and the only time she has ever been near a trailer park is on the odd occasion when she went camping as a kid. My girlfriend was newly married and had been persuaded by her husband to spend a week with his parents at their vacation home in Mesa , Arizona . After she finished her first martini, she began to tell us how the trip sounded perfect in the beginning; a romantic week with her husband, no kids, sun and a pool to lounge by. What could have better she thought?

Unfortunately reality kicked in the moment she arrived at the trailer park. There was no vacation home; there was just the cement slab lined with rows and rows of trailers. She was horrified! Where was the luxurious vacation home? Where was the pool? She quickly discovered that her husband had omitted the fact that his parent’s vacation home was a trailer. She also quickly learned that in Mesa, Arizona the retirees are referred to as “Snowbirds”. This is because thousands of retirees migrate down from Canada every winter. She also learned that you never refer to their homes as trailers. She was politely told that they are motor homes, and that some of them are worth over $150,000. However, it seemed to her that a parking lot with over 2000 motor homes certainly looked like a trailer park, regardless of how fancy it was. There was a pool but according to her Mother in law it was not very clean because some of the retirees had bladder control problems. Nice! As I sipped my martini, I was shocked at what she was telling us, I was also surprised at the refreshing taste gin and lemon. All I could think was how I wanted another martini and “What had her husband been thinking?”

By the time we ordered the second Mother in Law martini she had us in stitches by retelling stories of the trailer park. It seems that she spent a lot of time shopping with her Mother in law. They visited the thrift store several times and made a daily inspection of the Wal-Mart Superstore because according to her Mother in law these stores get new stuff everyday. The afternoon’s consisted of the trailer park golf cart tour. This adventure took several hours because in Mesa, Arizona happy hour starts at 2pm. This was the one upside to the family visit. It turns out that her mother in law associates with a group of ladies that love their gin martini. She commented that it was a very enlightening holiday because she spent her afternoons with the “gin ladies” driving the golf chart and learning all she ever wanted to know about arthritis, diabetes and depends. The evenings consisted of dinner and cocktails on the patio, followed by the evening walk and card games. This of course all ended by 9pm because that was bedtime, the retired get up early. I asked her if there was romance and sex with her new husband on this trip? Her response, “Ah, NO”! Sex does not really happen when you sleep on a pull out coach in the “ Arizona room”. It seems this special room receives lots of morning sun. This explained the dark circles under her eyes due to her lack of sleep.

The one good thing that came out of this family visit was that she had now bonded with her mother in law and would never have to do it again. The future visits would be a maximum of two days because that was when her patience had worn out. It seems her Mother in law loves to continuously explain to her all the things that she does incorrectly, particularly when it comes to looking after her husband. Of course, her husband had been oblivious to the entire situation. We all agreed that most men love being doted on by their mothers. The other benefit to this disastrous holiday was that when my girlfriend announces in a few months that she is going to Mexico with the girls, her husbands objections will be halted by the reminder of his vague explanation of his parent’s vacation home.

Conclusion:

There are many compromises in a long term relationship or marriage. The perfect man may come with a not so perfect mother in law. One solution to family dynamics is the Mother in Law martini. This martini is strong with a light lemon finish. It will take the edge of anything that the in law says or does. After a few of these martinis you will be able to say nothing and keep smiling. Another solution is moving far, far away! This also helps but then you have to come up with another reason to drink the Mother in Law martini. Regardless of the reason why you drink this martini one benefit is that it has been known to save many marriages. When in doubt, say nothing and sip more!

Intuitive Thoughts By Marjie Martini

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