The
Hummer Martini
As
always insight comes to me in the latest hour of the evening.
This evening was all about drinking, because it was the
conclusion to a great day of red necking with the boys.
Boys and toys! We all know that one of the differences
between men and boys is the price of their toys. The great
thing about aging is that the toys get more expensive,
but they are a hell of alot more fun. With age, the cocktails
also get classier and they definably taste better.
The
toy of choice was my buddy’s brand new H2 Hummer
and the cocktail of choice was, of course, the Hummer
martini. Just like the slogan, both of the Hummers are
"Like nothing else!"
There are
three consistent things in a man’s world: one is
the desire to redneck, and two is the desire to get laid.
The third desire is the one for a really good martini.
It was this desire that inspired the consumption of the
Hummer martini. This martini is a mixture of Absolute
Vodka, Grand Marnier and Tequila, and a splash of lime
cordial. This combination gives you a martini that has
a mean and nasty edge but finishes off sweet and pleasurable.
There is something about a really tough, mean and nasty
truck that gets every man’s testosterone level raging!
Men can sit and discuss the details of a tough truck for
hours. It is like how women can sit and discuss the great
shoe sale that they were just at, or the latest hairstyle
that they just got. The Hummer has the stereotype of being
the pavement princess - the excessive and expensive SUV
that never gets dirty.
Unfortunately,
this stereotype is very true, and we all razed my buddy
big time for buying the Hummer. The jokes were endless:
was he ever going to get it dirty, what happened if something
got spilt inside, and was the truck an extension for what
was lacking in his pants. But even though he was the butt
of all the jokes, he decided to buy it anyway. This day
of red necking was his way of proving to all of us exactly
why he had bought the Hummer.
When
the boys go red necking they drink, and drink a lot. I
was brought along for the sole purpose of being entertaining
eye candy and for my ability to make a great Hummer martini.
Beer would have been a lot easier, but not nearly as classy.
The dirtier the Hummer got, the more I worked the shaker.
The boys were very impressed by what the Hummer could
do and the fact that it was both dirty and scratched.
With the H2 parked and dirty in the driveway, the martini
party continued, as did the Hummer conversations.
“The
Hummer is just not a Hummer,”
it can
mean a blowjob or a blowie - it can refer to giving head.
The best phrase was from my buddy, who referred to his
girlfriend’s time of the month as Hummer season.
The boys lost it on that one; why is it that when a woman
has her time of the month, the expectation is that the
man should get a Hummer.
